I got teary eyed staring at all the beautiful people I once called friends. And while I know I only have myself to blame for no longer being able to do so, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss them all. Dearly. The Bride was practically my best friend while I was living in Ireland. She is the warmest soul, and the sweetest heart. I would aspire to be like her; in every way¹.

Maybe it was never about the cheating, but the lying². People who know me may think I’m confident but I am human; I have insecurities too. This is my excuse for the lying. The fear of what would happen if I told someone the truth. It took a while, but I’m more comfortable with my truths now. Though the real test would be if I were able to stick to my truths when I start to have romantic feelings for somebody. For all of the relationships I’ve had, I feel like that’ll be the hardest hurdle yet. I know the logic behind it, but that doesn’t help me when I’m in the situation. The emotions are too strong to stay logical.

Going back to the Irish boy. I do miss having him in my life but I feel like it might be too soon for both of us. I know he had said once, soon after we broke up, that he wanted to keep me in his life but I think that was his heartbroken emotions talking. I’m sure he just full out hates me now. Or maybe it’s easier for me to think so. I know I committed the crimes, but that doesn’t make me any less heartbroken at the loss.

But this is my healing, pouring this out like this. If I don’t face it, it’ll stay buried. And all wounds, need oxygen to heal.

Patience.

Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:

1. and especially in the way that I know matters most to the Irish boy
2. though we don’t talk, so I’m just speculating

The plan for this long weekend:

Friday¹ – Work my ass off at work then go to the Borough to spend time with family, go grocery shopping with Mum and learn how to make Pancit Bihon.

Satrday – Go for an early AM run. Spend the day cleaning up the apartment, and cleaning out my closet then get ready to go to Dinner with some awesome people… and then party hearty with even more awesome people.

Sunday – Go for a later AM run OR if that fails² do one of my broadway dancing/singing workouts in the house. Prepare the Pancit Bihon for a BBQ that starts in the late afternoon with some more great people³.

Monday – ME DAY. ME DAY. Aka Laundry and complete house cleaning day.

Will this all actually happen? Who knows. But at least I have every intention of following through…

What are you doing this weekend?

Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:

1. today, der
2. because let’s face it, I’ll be hungover
3. you know who you all are

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer¹. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is², which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake;  I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons³, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature⁴ as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio⁵ but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again⁶. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:

1. and I really kind of miss it
2. it’s a cycle
3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to
4. and myself; my thoughts
5. which used to be listed on this main domain
6. not right now of course, soon…