fragileheart’s journal

I’ve been at home sick for the last three days and thanks to the internet I’ve been able to connect with people. You’ve all made me feel comforted, and certainly less alone than I would have been if I only had John Mayer and my TV shows to keep me company. In particular there has been one person who I have connected with on many different levels… and it is¹ intoxicating. I’ve tried refraining from writing about it for various reasons,² but it has become increasingly difficult.

I can’t say that I remember ever feeling this connected to someone. I can’t say I ever remember being this honest with someone, even with things that could potentially hurt him or his ego. But I have been, and I only wish I could be that honest with everyone. The truth is that we always try to protect people we care about. I think that there is a fine line between wanting to protect our image of ourselves in someone’s eyes and wanting to protect them from becoming hurt by something that we did, by our truths.

It’s strange to feel this connected to someone and still find myself not falling head over heels in love with him³. It’s a nice change of pace from my typical behaviour. Despite having a ‘fragile’ heart, I used to fall in love quite easily… always jumping in head first⁴. I’m finding myself with a lot of sure footing and even a firm handle on the rails. In the short time I’ve known him, he has become a good friend who I feel lucky to have met and gotten to know⁵.

The connections I’ve made, the connection I’ve made with him have me sitting here writing instead of tackling the huge to-do list I’ve made myself because I want more. I want to hear more, to read more and to absorb more from you all. I love people and the imperfections that make us all so unique.

I only hope that my writing about my new friend doesn’t scare someone else away. I’m trying something new in the 28th year in my life, and I do hope that the new people I’ve met can come along for the journey⁶: honesty. I don’t want to hide things just to spare someone’s feelings anymore. This doesn’t mean I’m going to be brash; I will still be respectful of people but I want to find ways to be honest about how I’m feeling regardless of the reaction that I think I’m going to get. And that, by far is the best lesson my new friend has taught me.

Writing about connecting and moving on to honesty may seem like a tangent to some, but I think that honesty is so necessary to connect with someone. Being honest with yourself is the first thing one needs to work on, before you can be honest with anyone else. If there’s anything I’ve learnt in 2009, it’s that. I may have only turned 28 a couple of weeks ago… but I can already tell this is going to be a huge year in my life.

I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy to be honest from here on out. I’m saying I’m going to try my best.

How do you feel about connecting, and being honest with people?

Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:

1. I keep using this word with him, but it really is the most appropriate[↩]
2. most of which have to do with other members of the opposite sex[↩]
3. mind you I’m dangerously teetering over that line… it’s even fun to tug at[↩]
4. This could explain why the heart is so fragile in the first place, huh?[↩]
5. So much so, that I couldn’t resist writing about him[↩]
6. as well as those who have been on so far – thank you btw, I love you all[↩]

I love the feeling of having a keyboard under my fingertips, or even just writing words down with a pen and paper. I guess for the most part, I just love words. I love the way words can make you feel certain ways, and either make everything crystal clear or confuse the heck out of you.

I love the feeling of air vibrating and travelling from my diaphragm¹ and leaving my mouth in a (hopefully) pleasant sound. I love the way, when you really get into it, I feel like I’m singing with my entire body with minimal effort. It mostly feels like the warmest, safest embrace and partially feels like that kiss that tells you this is the beginning of a long, beautiful night.
I love meeting someone new and only telling them things you want them to hear, before you get to the point of deciding whether or not you want to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. But more importantly, I love the point where you discover that the new person you met is able to accept your deepest, darkest secrets and still care about you.

And right now², I am loving not being in-love. I feel like I’m so ready to be in-love again but the walls around this fragile heart have grown pretty resilient. I may have been the one to end my last relationship, but it doesn’t mean that my heart was any less broken. I want to be in-love, but I know better than to fall in love with someone just because something works, right now. And so for the time being, all the love I’m so ready to give has been diverted to friends and what a wonderful feeling it is to truly love another person without the romantic implications or familial ties.

Here’s hoping I am able to channel all this love into some happy poetry for once.

What do you love?

Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:

1. I think we established that I love singing, but I thought I would re-iterate[↩]
2. because I don’t think this is permanent[↩]