There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year or so. And they’re not about to stop either. For the most part, I’ve been going with the flow… but I’m starting to feel some ‘growing pains’ if you will. My head is starting to spin and I need to catch my breath. And so it’s the perfect time to get back into blogging.
I started blogging before it was even called blogging and I didn’t even care if I had readers because for the most part I only wrote about boy issues and whatever else a 17 year old might have had to write about. I almost stopped blogging once, mostly because he asked me to. But I just couldn’t live without it so I tried blogging under a completely anonymous blog… but I felt like a liar so I came back to fragileheart.com.
With the growing popularity of blogging and of online social media in general, it’s become harder to hide online – as strange as that sounds. These days I have a lot ‘real life friends’ who have joined the blogging, tweeting community whereas before, I could hide in the comfort of the online world knowing that I would never have to see these people face to face. It was different if I ever met these people who read my blog in person after the fact, because it meant that they would want to meet me despite knowing what I say when I think no one is looking.
I’m struggling a little. I cna’t write in my diary, and I haven’t really been able to openly write in my diary since a certain incident I’m sure someone would rather I didn’t talk about. Which means that my thoughts that should never be uttered have no where to go. And that means they stay in my head, forever swirling around in the sea of memories, fantasies and unicorns. I’m trying… trying to open up to people but it’s really difficult. Sure, I don’t have a problem sharing… but believe it or not, there is a lot I don’t share. There is a lot that I would rather only ever repeat to myself and analyse on my own. I like coming to my own conclusions and I like dealing with problems on my own. But I need to be able to have things out in the open so I can sort through said things… but what do I do when I have no where to hide?
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be thirty in a little over 2 years… but it sure feels like I’m going through adolescence again. I feel lost, confused and yet like I know it all and can do anything I put my mind to – if only I could build up the confidence to get moving.
Have you been through this?
Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:
I’m really glad I was able to write my last post before we received news about all the latest celebrity deaths. I wouldn’t want to be mistaken for someone so shallow. I’ve been pretty miffed about this ever since I read it, and I’m sure it’s mostly the fact that I can’t post a comment on her blog post without signing up for open salon. If I were going to be making a positive comment, I would be more inclined to sign up but since I’d be signing up only to disagree with her it makes me want to sign up even less.
Please don’t misunderstand, she makes very valid points but it’s her attitude that gets me riled up. Why are we always so concerned about what other feel and do? Why do we feel the need to control them? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t people mourn MJ if they want to? Why does mourning MJ mean that they don’t care about the rest of the world? It’s not that black and white. I do agree it’s sickening, but there’s no need to be judemental – we’ve all been shallow at one point or another in our lives. There are better ways to inspire people to care about those who really matter without making other people feel small for their choice in what they want to mourn.
And don’t mistake my defense of these people to mean that I am one of them, I’m not. And no one close to my heart is one of them either, this is an honest reaction to people being judgemental and feeling holier-than-thou better than the rest of us just because they care about things that ‘truly matter’. It’s what I dislike about my church and the reason why I stopped going; there’s a hypocrisy present when you choose to be understanding and extra-caring about people just because you feel they can’t defend or help themselves yet are willing to look down on people who don’t share your exact perspective. True understanding would involve understanding all those around you, and especially those who seem to be completely different from you.
Sure, I don’t understand why people feel the need to get together and collectively mourn the loss of someone they thought they knew but I don’t think of them as any less for doing so.
I know this post seems extremely unlike me, but I have been thinking a lot about this since I read her blog post a few days ago and I just can’t seem to let it go. I’m tired of people wanting to change the world but fail to realise that its their own attitudes that are preventing the change they so desperately desire. I prefer not to be controversial, and I certainly prefer not to impose my beliefs on other people but for one reason or another I just couldn’t let this go.
This morning I woke up not wanting to wake up… and when I finally opened my eyes and realised I left the computer on over night I forced myself up and checked on my good friend facebook. The gossip I found was not pleasant and I was in shock at the discovery that a girl so young is now buried in our homeland.
She and I were never close but our circles were, and she was always really sweet and really kind. Her character and the suddenness of all this has really gotten to me and has driven home what I have always known – life is too short.
Ever since I came back from Dublin, I seem to have taken on the perspective that life is too short to hold grudges and to worry about things. Sure, I still worry but I have never let it get me so stressed out that I lash out at anyone. I prefer to see the bright side to everything and embrace it and you pessimists reading this, there IS a bright side to everything – you just have to want to see it.
Just because something doesn’t happen the way that you wanted or expected, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m a firm believer in the addage, ‘Everything happens for a reason’. And rather than dwell on something, I prefer to spend my energy figuring out that reason and embracing it. I know this is easier said than done, but it can be done… the biggest hurdle is wanting it. Some people prefer to wallow; I prefer to be able to look back on my life and know that I was always happy.
No questions for you today because I really want to open it up to anything you’d like to say on this topic. Because it’s a topic on your outlook on life, it can be quite controversial. Please understand that this personal blog is never intended to impose my beliefs on other people; its sole intention is to allow me to speak my mind – agree or disagree with me as you wish. All that I ask is that you be respectful in your communication.
Because they're better than constantly talking in parentheses:
Category: 
June 29, 2009
