For the first time since I can remember, I am the depressing one this Christmas. I can only hope this means that the rest of the world is happy this time of year. I have this belief that my mood largely depends on the rest of the world; when it’s sad I’m ecstatic and when it’s happy I tend to get depressed. Why? I believe it’s because there is something inside of me that needs to see a balance in the world. Obviously in this belief I also have a huge ego to think that my little mood changes could actually make a difference but go with me here.
This Christmas is a pretty painful one and each day that passes only makes it harder. I’m not sure I want to admit that it’s because I’m sad that I’m not celebrating it with my ex ((except that I think I just did)). Not that I would still want to be with him, but you have to understand that for the last five years I’ve spent Christmas with him. Or at the very least, I’ve spent New Year’s with him. They weren’t always pleasant, in fact the first was down right heart breaking but the point is that we were together. Despite everything, I still thought that I would always be spending my future Christmases with him. I never expected this.
I didn’t expect this pain. Not now, not ever. I want to apologise to everyone who sent me their mailing addresses for Christmas cards but I honestly haven’t had the energy to write them. I’ve bought the cards because that was easy, but sitting still is difficult. Even writing this post has been done in one to two minute intervals because I just can’t sit still for fear that I’ll just break down crying. I might still send them… but it won’t get to you before Christmas and I’m sorry ((you may forgive me, but we all know I’m pretty hard on myself – this is a pretty huge failure for me)).
Christmas is my favourite time of year, most years. This year… this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and forget it ever existed. Please write me about how happy your Christmases are this year because I need to know that it’s happy for everyone else. I need to know the world is balanced and that not everyone is feeling as shitty as I am. I know that some of you ((you dear, dear hearts)) are concerned for me now but honestly I know I will be ok, I just need to hear of your happiness and all will be right with me.
Please tell me you’re happy, dear readers. I need you.
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I bought cards but don’t think I’ll get around to sending more than a handful.
Thank you.
So you want to know more about me? Aside from "fragileheart", I'm also known as Reg, or Reggy. I'm Canadian by passport, and Filipino-Chinese by blood but I've always felt a person of the world. With 28 years of 'life' under my belt, I know better than to think that I know everything there is to know in the world - but I still have my opinions.
Aww sorry to hear darling… There is no way you should be lonley given your beauty inside and out… Shoot, I’d be happy as heck to have a beautiful woman like you with me… Cheer up… He wasn’t meant to be. I learned that a few times… Sometimes the best way to get over is to get on not just to get along but really get on with it. Jump on Love train, lust train, one nighter train just to get the rythm back into your soul… Just keep going forward
Besos XOXO
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