fragileheart’s journal

It hasn’t left

I’ve written about death a lot in the past month and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’m not complaining, because it’s a fact of life but I do hope there are happier times ahead for everyone involved. An old friend from high school passed away earlier this month and I’ve been given the morning off so I can attend the mass being held for her tomorrow morning.

I was going to go to the funeral home today, but I chickened out. For one reason or another I didn’t feel like I belonged there. In hindsight, I’m sure the family would have appreciated my being there… but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m afraid to go to the mass tomorrow but I will be going to that. I don’t know anyone else that is going to be there, but it doesn’t matter.

It’ll be extra weird because this is the first time I will be stepping foot in that church in almost 3 years. I used to sing with the choir and I hear that the choir master who I studied under is no longer there. I’ve decided not to wear mascara in case I start bawling my eyes out. I don’t know how to feel about her death… it has been quite some time since we drifted apart but I remember her vividly and it’s a horrible loss for the world to be without such a caring soul ((I can’t imagine she would have changed from the person I knew in high school, and from what I hear the changes were amazing)).

Please take a moment to wish her soul well, to help her and her beloved rest in the peace that they deserve.

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9 Comments Already

Penny Said,

July 20th, 2009 @07:27

So sorry to hear about your friend. I can understand why you felt weird about going to the funeral home. It’s a tough time for everyone. It’s hard when you don’t know exactly how to feel. I hope the mass goes ok today. Thinking of her and you.
Penny´s last blog ..Blur

BonnieCelt Said,

July 20th, 2009 @09:20

I hear you on feeling weird about showing up at the funeral home, also. I HATE viewings and funerals but I force myself to go. Once I’m there it’s better, and it gives me an opportunity to hug and cry, and I do think that the family appreciates it when people turn up, even if they haven’t been around constantly.

I know that I have felt appreciative when it was me on the other side of the line.

Much love to you, Fragile.
BonnieCelt´s last blog ..Video – The Hothouse Flowers – Cailleach an Airgid

Leah Said,

July 23rd, 2009 @08:18

I’m sorry to hear about your old friend.
A close friend of mine lost his Dad a few years back, and I was unsure if I should go to the funeral or not. My Mom said to me something I will never forget – “Leah, I will always remember and hold close to my heart my friends who came to Opa’s (grandpa) funeral”. He had passed away almost 7 years prior to that. Good for you for going. In no way will it be easy, but you are a better person for it. And I imagine the family will be happy that you came.

ken armstrong Said,

July 25th, 2009 @05:23

I have wished you friend well. I do.

I understand fully about feeling weird and redundant turning up at the funeral. I had to suffer a bereavement myself to finally see the truth that turning up is a huge comfort and it doesn’t matter at all what you say or do while there. But your being there is never forgotten.

It’s a funny lesson to have learned. I go now with comfort that I am doing good becuase it did me good when people came.

trench Said,

July 26th, 2009 @07:48

Sorry to hear about your loss reg.
trench´s last blog ..Travel : Harajuku Tokyo Japan

July 26th, 2009 @20:52

I’m very sorry to hear about your old friend.

I think that her parents will be very glad to see you at the funeral. A few years ago, a close friend of mine lost his amazing father, and I was completely torn apart and didn’t think I would be able to go to the funeral. After hours of tears I called my Mom and in one sentence, she made up my mind for me. She said “Leah, I will always remember and hold close to my heart the friends that came to Opa’s [my grandfather] funeral.”
Them showing up meant so much to her, and she will never forget them for it.
Attending, being sad, crying and sharing your grief with her family probably made a huge impact on them. And you are a better person for it.
Leah´s last blog ..Pretty in Pink

fragileheart Said,

July 27th, 2009 @21:52

Thank you everybody… thank you for your supportive words. It’s taken me a little while to get back again because I’ve been doing what I do best and avoiding dealing with the emotions that I don’t want to.

Huge hugs to you all You’ve certainly made me feel better about all this.

Sarah Said,

July 31st, 2009 @14:56

I know what you mean about feeling weird going to the funneral home. My ex-boyfriend’s father passed away in Dallas and I was so close to him, he was like a father to me. I was scared to go to his funneral & view, but once there, I truly felt relieved and comforted by the family & friends. I was able to say goodbye for the last time and close this chapter in my life and made a little easier to move on.

I wish you the best. Time will help you heal.
Sarah´s last blog ..FHA Extends Credit to Purchase

B Said,

August 3rd, 2009 @08:23

I think it’s normal to feel uncomfortable about funerals and viewings, especially when it’s someone you went to school with.