fragileheart.com | journal

There has been a major theme in the way I’ve been living my life since I’ve returned from Ireland. I’m trying to do my best to recognise situations before I get too stressed out about it. In the past, I am the type of person that would give any situation the benefit of the doubt before I really ‘give up’. (I say ‘give up’ (as in, in quotations) because I have since realised that this isn’t giving up if there is nothing you can do to change the outcome). But all that ever really got me was stressed out and full of anxiety.

My (now old) work has a lot of potential because they have great ideas, delicious food, (some) great staff, and a well-known (albeit American) branded hotel name to back them up… but there were a lot of things wrong but I’m not going to talk about them. I just need to talk about why I needed to leave; I was doing my job right because that’s who I am, but I was doing it despite how much I didn’t care about doing my job right. I kept being asked to be patient while creases were ironed out, I lost interest and I could feel myself beginning to get bitter. That was when I knew, it was time to leave. True to myself, I tried to give it another chance and tried to care… but I couldn’t force myself to care about the place. And I can’t work somewhere that I don’t care about. So I left…

The industry has been good to me the last 8 years. Even if I hadn’t gone to University for a degree specializing in this industry I would still be able to say that I learnt most (if not all) of my ‘best life lessons’ through this industry. Not to mention, if I hadn’t been working in this industry I don’t think I would have met him. And I’m still trying to figure out if I am done with the industry. I constantly get complimented on how well I fit in here… but I’m just not sure the hours are something I love any more. I know I love the industry… but I need to find another way to work here. So (for now) I left…

Blogging wasn’t exactly stressing me out, but I did find myself way too distracted from doing other important things (please note I didn’t say more important) like finding a job to help me get out of my (now old) work. And I realised that I was getting too obsessed with dropping cards (ala entrecard). I’ve kept in touch with some of you through Twitter and it’s been great but I’m hoping to get back into the groove of things and after reading Ben Barden’s recent interview with Graham Langdon, I’m even more excited to get back into it! But in keeping with the rest of this entry… Blogging was too much of a distraction, so I left… for a little while

I just want to thank everyone who continued to drop cards on me and purchase adverts despite my hiatus: You’ve helped keep my entrecard rating somewhat manageable and for that I owe you! (So please watch for a future post to repay you with some link love) Who am I kidding? I’m never going to get to that. I apologise. I’ll have to figure out a better way to repay you all.

What kind of a blogger would I be if I didn’t update you as to my adventures during my recent hiatus? In point form (because it’s just easier for everyone), and in chronological order (because let’s face it, I’m like that) here’s what has happened in my life of late:

• Because I still hadn’t found a new job, I agreed to work a few shifts a week until I find something better (not so fun).
• I bought tickets to Dave Matthews Band’s concert on June 18 in Toronto (fun).
• I restored my twitter account, so follow me! (fun)
• I found out one of my oldest friends is (finally) pregnant after (really) wanting it for so long (fun). Congratulations Ate Maeyo!
• I inadvertently irritated Canucklehead when I carelessly read his post listing the reviews he got on entrecard (not so fun). (I’m sorry again forgive me?)
• I put away my winter coats (fun).
• I talked to him on the phone (fun).
• I cleaned Sierra inside and out (fun).
• I finally cleaned up Shiobhan (to get her ready for some serious backing up, and then reformatting and reinstalling (fun).
• I (albeit grudgingly) upgraded to Wordpress 2.5.1 (not so fun). (Honestly).
• I got hit on by a very creepy, very crazy, very drunk, old man… further convincing me that my time in ‘the industry’ is done (not fun at all).
• I went up to Barrie to meet an old friend (a very dear friend), Ash who I haven’t seen since her wedding last April (fun).
• I met up with some (very old) friends who live in Mississauga and were in town for the night, had a ball at a questionable nightclub (fun).
• I cooked and BBQ’d for the family: Tandoori chicken on the barby, Spinach pasta with shrimp & mushrooms in a cream sauce topped with parmesan cheese and a side of Steamed veggies… yum (fun).
• I went out for drinks with a lovely couple who are also doing the long distance thing between Canada and Ireland (fun).
• Finally got a phone call from the agency about a job that runs from May 1 to May 16 (fun).
• Had to tell the Manager at the restaurant that I couldn’t work a shift on May 1 that he had scheduled me for. I didn’t feel very nice about having to do it. But I had no choice (not so fun).
• I realised I simply can’t wait to see him again (fun… and not so fun). 24 days left!

And that pretty much sums up my hiatus…. I’m sure I have a lot more to write. But I’m simply exhausted so I’ll have to continue on tomorrow. Luckily, I’m not working till (my last shift) the evening so I’ll have plenty of time to work on it. I missed you all so very much!

It’s going to be a crazy 8-10 days. They’re so unorganised at work, and they’re doing the grand opening this weekend and some DJ promotion event next Friday. But they haven’t scheduled staff. So I’m helping out on my days off. And that’s all I’m going to say about work - because I promised myself that I wouldn’t talk about work.

But the end is near for my position with them, which means that I have to go heavy on the job hunting. This in turn means less time to blog. So I’m not going to. I’m still going to do my drops and comments, but there won’t be any new posts in a while. I’ve been thinking about asking Periapex where he got the plug-in for this ‘Random Context from the past’ posts, but I’m not even sure I’ll have time to install the plug-in.

Why am I explaining myself? Because I’m waiting for some job descriptions to load before I go to bed. Heh.

If you really need a fix of something to read, you could always follow the long (albeit one-sided) story of the our rollercoaster romance. Of course, those are listed in reverse chronological order… so you can read it backwards or you could go to the first page and start from there. What’s that? Protected posts? Email me at reggysy [at] yahoo [dot] ca for the password, it’ll be the same one for all of them.

I close my eyes and let it take over my heartbeats, as the instruments take their places in the choreography of the song… I breathe in deep and out slowly. Getting the first note right, doesn’t always mean the song will go well but it just gives you that extra push. There’s no feeling like letting it all out from your diaphragm.

I love to sing, and I think I’m good - not good enough to get on Canadian Idol but maybe that’s a good thing. Everything happens for a reason right? There’s just something about belting out words that mean something to you, in a tune that completes the song. There’s a feeling that I get when I get to sing the songs I love, out loud. And the only way I can describe the feeling, is to say that, “My soul is happy when I sing.”

It’s happier when I sing well, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had the voice to sing a full song well. My diaphragm is out of practice, and my perma-cough doesn’t help matters much. But I still sing, to myself. I don’t sing in the shower anymore because I can’t seem to remember the lyrics to songs very well either. So I just end up singing the same verse and the chorus over and over again. But when I get in my car, and there’s traffic ahead… it’s like a dream come true. I get to concentrate on my singing and let all my troubles melt away.

I miss performing though, so I’ve been considering joining some sort of choir… or maybe just disciplining myself into learning lyrics so I can perform for people when they ask me to. It just seems like a waste not to, since I’m fully capable of singing A Capella.

I’m not sure what it was that made me want to go see this in the theatre, because if you look at the previews it’s not going to be a must see in the cinema. But I went, and I enjoyed it but I was right that I should have waited for it to come out on video or to get on Rogers on Demand. Anyway, like I said I enjoyed the movie for the most part because it was fairly well done; the acting was decent, the lead actor was cute for nerd and I love watching Kevin Spacey.

What I didn’t like about it was the predictability. I know what you’re thinking, it’s based on a popular novel so obviously it’s going to be predictable. But I’m talking about timing, and knowing when something is going to happen - which is more than just knowing that something is going to happen. What surprised me was something that I discovered later on from DonPepot’s Discoveries. The asian actress in the movie? She’s Filipina. Now, I’m not your typical Filipina in that it takes someone to actually have talent for me to be proud of Filipinos. And I have to say, I was impressed by Liza Lapira. And I think her performance in the movie makes me want to give this movie 3.5 stars instead of 3.

Yay ‘Pinoys’!