fragileheart.com | journal

No, I’m not wrting about Kelly Clarkson’s hit single, though I am borrowing the title for this post. You may remember a recent post I wrote about a stupid careless mistake I made while booking my upcoming trip over to the Emerald Isle. You may also remember the devestating consequence of said action: I was going to miss The Boss in concert. I had resigned to the fact that I wouldn’t be going to any fun concerts while I was over in Dublin. Which, in and of itself, is a shame because concerts in Dublin are phenomenal. The atmosphere is always amazing, the venues are beautiful and of course the company is stellar.

He had mentioned trying to get our tickets switched to the Sunday show, but was finding it difficult… so I told him to forget about it. He was in the middle of studying for his first round of tax consultancy exams and i didn’t want him to worry about fixing something that was my fault. But the Angel that he is managed to do it. So now I’m going to get to see The Boss at the end of May! (And shortly soon after I hope to drag him along to see the Sex and the city movie (he promised))!

I don’t know how many more times I can say it, but I love that man! I love, love, love him with all my heart and I can’t wait to see him again. Counting down 22 days!

I close my eyes and let it take over my heartbeats, as the instruments take their places in the choreography of the song… I breathe in deep and out slowly. Getting the first note right, doesn’t always mean the song will go well but it just gives you that extra push. There’s no feeling like letting it all out from your diaphragm.

I love to sing, and I think I’m good - not good enough to get on Canadian Idol but maybe that’s a good thing. Everything happens for a reason right? There’s just something about belting out words that mean something to you, in a tune that completes the song. There’s a feeling that I get when I get to sing the songs I love, out loud. And the only way I can describe the feeling, is to say that, “My soul is happy when I sing.”

It’s happier when I sing well, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had the voice to sing a full song well. My diaphragm is out of practice, and my perma-cough doesn’t help matters much. But I still sing, to myself. I don’t sing in the shower anymore because I can’t seem to remember the lyrics to songs very well either. So I just end up singing the same verse and the chorus over and over again. But when I get in my car, and there’s traffic ahead… it’s like a dream come true. I get to concentrate on my singing and let all my troubles melt away.

I miss performing though, so I’ve been considering joining some sort of choir… or maybe just disciplining myself into learning lyrics so I can perform for people when they ask me to. It just seems like a waste not to, since I’m fully capable of singing A Capella.

So I finally booked my flights for my holiday to Dublin in May. Yay! We have tickets to see The Boss in concert. Oh yes! It was a huge ‘value-added’ bonus for my trip over there. I found a new website for cheap flights that allows you to choose your seats online for an extra $22 each. It was a pretty sweet deal. But I got so tied up in picking flights that would allow me to sit by the starboard side window seat that I completely forgot to make sure I picked a flight that got me there before the concert.

As soon as I realised it, I went online and tried to contact someone from the company to help me change the departing flight. Unfortunately, I didn’t read the part about how the ‘instant fare’ (the cheaper fare) is non-refundable, non-changeable, and just plain not good news for me. I had two concert dates to choose from: The Boss near the end of May, and Prince in the middle of June. Now I don’t get to see either with him.

I’m so upset about the whole thing… We were both really looking forward to going to either one of those concerts together. He bought tickets to both concerts specifically with me in mind… and I went and did something stupid. So stupid that if you didn’t know any better, you’d think I didn’t care about his thoughtful actions. So it hurts. My stupidity hurts. A lot. I just feel like I let him down.

I know I’m being dramatic, but I’ve actually had a few days to mull over this… and I still feel pretty strongly about it. I care about him a great deal and I would never want him to think that I don’t care about things he does for me. He is one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever known, and I am just careless. It’ll take me a while to get over this… and I’m sure it’ll take him a while to get over it too. I just wish there were some way I could make it up to him. Or better yet, I wish there were someway I could still go see The Boss in concert with him! ARGH!

This time difference thing is killing me. Absolutely killing me. He has exams coming up next week, so he’s been extremely busy and I’ve been working shifts that prevent me from being home when he’s free to talk. I haven’t spoken to him in what feels like a year and all I want to do is cry.

It’s not that I need to talk to him to feel okay, it’s just that I miss him so god damn much. It’s bad enough I don’t get to see him, hold him, kiss him… or even just look at him. I haven’t been getting a lot of text messages from him either because we’ve been apart about 3 months and that’s usually around the time his Dad starts to really buckle down on him about the phone bill. Which is really annoying because he actually pays his Dad back, but his Dad still gives out to him about it all.

I’m getting anxious too because I need to book my flights for my trip over there in the first week of May. The flights are pretty expensive and I have a little over a month left to book! I’d like to be able to save more than just money for the trip… considering my new year’s resolutions.

The only thing that’s keeping me sane is my confidence that he misses me just as much as I miss him. Don’t ask me how I know since I haven’t spoken to him, but I just do. As I’ve may or may not have mentioned before, we’re in such a great place in our relationship and it makes me almost glad we were going through such hard times before. All those hard times just helped us gain so much trust in each other that it’s going to take something pretty gi-normous (a word for “gigantically enormous”) to break it.

But even though we’re in this great place… does that mean I can’t feel sorry for myself if I really miss my love?

In my attempt to clean up my categories, links and what not I have been able to read a lot of my old entries. The entries in particular that have got me thinking, are the ones where I was so hopelessly in love with him. Of course, I’m still hopelessly in love with him. The difference is that he’s in love with me too. And after our hour long phone conversation today, I decided I have to write about how grateful I am that I have been given this amazing gift.

I don’t really know how I knew to keep fighting for him, but something told me this one was special. And even if he didn’t see it at first, I’m just glad that he sees it now and we can finally be happy. And I can’t believe how happy we are! I never imagined that being in a long distance relationship could be so easy (and it’s not meant to be). But he makes it easy. He makes everything so easy. He makes dealing with anything difficult easy.

I’m so lucky, and I never let myself forget. And I promise never to take it for granted just how lucky I am to have the love of the love of my life.