fragileheart.com | journal

If you looked at my list of ‘friends’ on facebook, you’d find yourself looking at a list of over 350+ people. Of course, if you know facebook then you know that this means absolutely nothing. Even still, people often think of me as someone who has a lot of friends… and I do… but I don’t have those friends who I lean on, who I call without thinking, who I hang out with without asking, who I would call when I’m bawling my eyes out without worrying about bothering them or who I know will help me with my wedding (should I ever decide to have one). I don’t even really have one person who fits half of those categories.

As I’m typing this, one male friend comes to mind who I’m sure will attest that he can be all that for me… but it’s not the same. With male friends, there’s always the chance that they’re doing it because they’re attracted to you (don’t argue with me on this, I have a whole blog post coming on this topic in the future). With female friends, if it happens that they do become attracted to you it’ll come from a deeper place than it would with male friends. But that’s not going off topic… so back we go.

Of late, I’ve had the pleasure of partying and hanging out with two different groups of women who seem to keep in contact with each other without effort (without thinking, as mentioned above). Luckily, there is at least one woman in each group who always thinks of me whenever a gathering is being planned… but I wouldn’t say I’m any closer to having that best friend I’ve been looking for. Sometimes (and very fleetingly), I curse my parents for not giving me a sister after my brother!

There was a friend I felt a similar connection with while I was in Uni, and I’ve written about her before… but we’re from two different worlds and I know it’ll never be what I’m looking for. But I did want to mention it because she still means the world to me - even if she’s not the (sister-I-never-had-all-time) best friend I’m looking for.

Now, (I don’t really want to say anything about this because I don’t know how she feels on the subject but) there is one female friend I made while I was in Ireland who I get on with very well. She’s the only one who’s really kept in touch with me since I’ve left, and she was the only one who would make contact with me every week just to chat. I miss her terribly. Is it weird to hope that someone becomes your bestfriend?

I blame this post on the movies I’ve seen recently themed around weddings, bestfriends (such as 27 dresses) and the like… you can too (blame, that is).

There has been a major theme in the way I’ve been living my life since I’ve returned from Ireland. I’m trying to do my best to recognise situations before I get too stressed out about it. In the past, I am the type of person that would give any situation the benefit of the doubt before I really ‘give up’. (I say ‘give up’ (as in, in quotations) because I have since realised that this isn’t giving up if there is nothing you can do to change the outcome). But all that ever really got me was stressed out and full of anxiety.

My (now old) work has a lot of potential because they have great ideas, delicious food, (some) great staff, and a well-known (albeit American) branded hotel name to back them up… but there were a lot of things wrong but I’m not going to talk about them. I just need to talk about why I needed to leave; I was doing my job right because that’s who I am, but I was doing it despite how much I didn’t care about doing my job right. I kept being asked to be patient while creases were ironed out, I lost interest and I could feel myself beginning to get bitter. That was when I knew, it was time to leave. True to myself, I tried to give it another chance and tried to care… but I couldn’t force myself to care about the place. And I can’t work somewhere that I don’t care about. So I left…

The industry has been good to me the last 8 years. Even if I hadn’t gone to University for a degree specializing in this industry I would still be able to say that I learnt most (if not all) of my ‘best life lessons’ through this industry. Not to mention, if I hadn’t been working in this industry I don’t think I would have met him. And I’m still trying to figure out if I am done with the industry. I constantly get complimented on how well I fit in here… but I’m just not sure the hours are something I love any more. I know I love the industry… but I need to find another way to work here. So (for now) I left…

Blogging wasn’t exactly stressing me out, but I did find myself way too distracted from doing other important things (please note I didn’t say more important) like finding a job to help me get out of my (now old) work. And I realised that I was getting too obsessed with dropping cards (ala entrecard). I’ve kept in touch with some of you through Twitter and it’s been great but I’m hoping to get back into the groove of things and after reading Ben Barden’s recent interview with Graham Langdon, I’m even more excited to get back into it! But in keeping with the rest of this entry… Blogging was too much of a distraction, so I left… for a little while

I just want to thank everyone who continued to drop cards on me and purchase adverts despite my hiatus: You’ve helped keep my entrecard rating somewhat manageable and for that I owe you! (So please watch for a future post to repay you with some link love) Who am I kidding? I’m never going to get to that. I apologise. I’ll have to figure out a better way to repay you all.

I close my eyes and let it take over my heartbeats, as the instruments take their places in the choreography of the song… I breathe in deep and out slowly. Getting the first note right, doesn’t always mean the song will go well but it just gives you that extra push. There’s no feeling like letting it all out from your diaphragm.

I love to sing, and I think I’m good - not good enough to get on Canadian Idol but maybe that’s a good thing. Everything happens for a reason right? There’s just something about belting out words that mean something to you, in a tune that completes the song. There’s a feeling that I get when I get to sing the songs I love, out loud. And the only way I can describe the feeling, is to say that, “My soul is happy when I sing.”

It’s happier when I sing well, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had the voice to sing a full song well. My diaphragm is out of practice, and my perma-cough doesn’t help matters much. But I still sing, to myself. I don’t sing in the shower anymore because I can’t seem to remember the lyrics to songs very well either. So I just end up singing the same verse and the chorus over and over again. But when I get in my car, and there’s traffic ahead… it’s like a dream come true. I get to concentrate on my singing and let all my troubles melt away.

I miss performing though, so I’ve been considering joining some sort of choir… or maybe just disciplining myself into learning lyrics so I can perform for people when they ask me to. It just seems like a waste not to, since I’m fully capable of singing A Capella.

Gracious tagged me, and I’ve recently been realising even more weird things about me since I last did this meme, so I figured I’d play again.

Don’t forget to post the rules too:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to read your blog.

My 8 Random facts/habits:

1. (With reference to my last list’s #4) I used to come off as being more confident than I really am, now I am exactly as confident as I appear.
2. I can do a word jumble in less than 10 seconds (more if I have to write it down), but it takes me a minute to do 20 calculations.
3. I used to drink very little water (only about 500ml a day, if that), but Chris told me to shape up and drink more water and I’m glad I have because I’ve been feeling better in may ways ever since!
4. I am extremely glad that Crocs decided to come out with footwear that is not a clog; they are the most comfortable thing in the world - but I refuse to wear clogs!
5. I have been blogging since 1998, when my first boyfriend in Canada dumped me and promptly ripped my heart and my self-confidence out of my shell and trampled all over them, and then fed them to the sharks. My (then) journal and I have come a long way from that point in my life.
6. I only wear thongs (yes, the underwear), I can’t stand wearing anything else because they will get eaten up by my ass. However, I can’t wear thongs when I’m sleeping, I have to wear boyshorts.
7. Another underwear fact: I hate wearing mismatched bra & panties. I feel like an idiot. And yes, it is just in case I have to go to the hospital and someone’ll get to see my underwear.
8. (Ok so this is about us, and not just me, but it’s still about me) We used to do the crossword together every night before bed, and it was the most relaxing time of the day for us. I miss those days.

My 8 tags: Ate Maeyo (even though Gracious tagged her already), Beeker, Monique, Periapex, Jillian, Canucklehead, Erica (@ Five Blondes) and Chie.

…so quickly at least. But I just HAD to post this one up… not just because I found the results accurate and interesting but because the recommendation for who I get along with so funny.

You Are a Semi-Colon

You are elegant, understated, and subtle in your communication.You’re very smart (and you know it), but you don’t often showcase your brilliance.Instead, you carefully construct your arguments, ideas, and theories – until they are bulletproof.You see your words as an expression of yourself, and you are careful not to waste them. You friends see you as enlightened, logical, and shrewd. (But what you’re saying often goes right over their heads.) You excel in: The Arts You get along best with: The Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Hehehehe I get along best with the colon. Now, would that be my colon or someone else’s?